| By :
Glenn Devey
Guys who are stuck in the unpleasant phase of getting over ex girlfriends sometimes need a little help. There's no shame in it either. As men we'll probably never master the skill of asking for directions whilst we're driving, but coping with a relationship break-up is one area that we can definitely learn from those who've been there before. I like simple, so it's going to be a theme running through this article. Actually, I'm just going to use the first five letters you learnt when doing your ABCs - A, B, C, D and E. Obviously I'll use more than that when explaining the concepts behind them, but you know what I mean. The ABCDE model comes from the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, a prominent American Psychologist. In short it stands for: A - Activating event B - Belief that's triggered C - Consequence D - Doubt E - Effective outlook When we're deep in the throes of getting over ex girlfriends, feeling down and miserable is usually attributed to the break-up itself - the external event that started the chain reaction. But it's not always that straight forwards. What's more likely is that: A - You get dumped by a girl B - You believe you'll never meet anyone as good as her again C - The consequence of that is that you feel down and miserable It's actually the "B" part - the belief that's causing you to feel miserable and down. Sure it's natural to grieve for any loss in life, but that grieving period has a shelf life. Whilst it's impossible to definitively say what that is, ask yourself - how long have you been feeling sad about your break-up? If you've been feeling this way for months as opposed to days, maybe there's a "B" at work in your chain of thinking that's prolonging the pain and suffering? Spend some time now, thinking about what you believe about your relationship break-up. The chances are, if you're feeling miserable there's a toxic belief right in the middle. When you've found it, you can start to cast doubt on the belief to loosen it up and stop the chain reaction. This is where the "D" comes in. Can you find a flaw in your argument, a chink in the armour of that belief that may bring it into doubt? Here's a couple of questions to help you along: * Is this really true? * Has there ever been a time when it wasn't? * How would I know if it started to change? * What's the positive pay-off for me to believing this? * What's an alternative that I could test out instead? Which takes us neatly on to a more effective outlook. What could you possibly believe as an alternative, that would have you feeling better instead? And then what could you go out and do in order to strengthen the new belief? For example, following on from our previous case, D - "I haven't met anyone who's as good as her... yet." E - "I can meet someone else that I'm happy with, providing I do something about it." There's an old formula for creating self-fulfilling prophecies, and it says: 1. Find something that isn't true, but that you want to come true. 2. Behave in a way that suggests that it is true. 3. The thing that wasn't true, suddenly is. I know this is easily said and a little harder to be done, but ask yourself whether getting over ex girlfriends is really possible or not in a matter of weeks instead of months. If your answer is no, go create a self-fulfilling prophecy that makes it true. You know how.
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