| By :
Valery Satterwhite
Dad was 94 and in very poor health. He was bedridden, full of bed sores, could hardly hear or see. Knowing him to be a man who played - both brilliantly and very badly - on a larger than life stage, it pained me to know that this sorry state was now his world. I didn't know him. He didn't know me. He was my Father. I loved him. I learned late in life that he loved me. We never had a typical Father/Daughter relationship -- whatever that's supposed to be. So, I thought I'd be at peace - even relieved - when he died. I got THE CALL one evening last week. Dad's dead. I felt like I got kicked in the chest. I was knocked on my rear-end, out of breath. What the Bleep? I thought I was totally prepared for when 'that day' came. I guess its true... you really don't know what you don't know. Anyway, there I was. Dazed and confused. I stayed in that fog of mixed emotions throughout the next day. I was scheduled to give a speech that night. My speech was about the truth about the present moment and how you have to be in alignment with the three P's that deliver this truth. So you don't go off in a tizzy wondering what are the three P's I'll list them here: The Three P's Present - the present moment of now Present - how you present yourself in this present moment Present - the present, the gift, you get when you are fully present in the present moment. How the hell was I going to deliver that speech when I was anything but present? Not showing up was not an option. I honor my word and my commitments. That night, as I heard the host deliver my introduction I still hadn't a clue what I was going to say. I took a deep breath, remembered to exhale, and walked out onto the stage. And said nothing for a very pregnant pause... Present (gift) #1: I realized it's OK to take a moment - or twenty - to center yourself when and wherever you want to. I started with the quote by Eckhart Tolle, "I lived with a lot of Zen Masters in my life, all of them cats." Continuing, I delivered the original prepared opening few sentences to give the audience an overview of what my speech was supposed to be about. And then told them in these very words.. "But that speech's not gonna happen tonight." The rest of the speech was delivered through me, not by me. Have you ever had a moment where you could hear yourself talk, or write, and the words just flowed with sublime grace and precise articulation without even thinking about it? I was completely out of my head and into my heart and it spoke for me, in my own words. Nothing was held back. I told them I was flippin' around like a rattlesnake on PCP all day today in and out of memories of my past. I felt like I was on some Back-to-the-Future ride set in the Twilight Zone. Most of what I recalled triggered old painful emotions and reactions. I told them as a child growing up and through most of my adulthood I thought my father was a selfish sonofabitch who only cared about himself. He often hurt the ones who loved him most in favor of something that would feed his ego. And that ego often led him from the heights of success down to the bottom of the pit of self destruction. I then relayed the story of my last visit with him. I didn't see the insensitive man I expected to see. I saw the innocent child who just wanted to be loved. I learned that Dad was not the egomaniac I thought he was. He was a tortured misguided soul who tried to find meaning and purpose in life through money, power and bimbos (not necessarily in that order). I was able to 'get him' with compassion and love. I finally got a glimpse of who he really was instead of who he shaped himself to be out of quiet (ok - LOUD) desperation. I'm not sure why I went into a rant about not understanding what it means when well-intended people told me they were sorry for my loss and were saying prayers for me. Those words didn't bring me any solace. They irritated the shit out of me. How can I mourn the loss of something I never really felt I had in the first place? Why do people think I need to be prayed for? I see myself as the fully capable Source for all that I experience so I don't need to be prayed for, thank you very much. My speech went on for about another 10-15 minutes and, quite frankly, I don't remember much of what else I said. I know that I closed with this: "When life throws you a curve and knocks you on your tush, it's ok to stay there for a bit. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Take whatever time you need. When you're naturally ready to pick yourself up, rise above by reaching for a new perspective. Make no major decisions, take no significant action while you're still on the floor. They would not be the same ones you would have chosen had you been fully aware, fully present in the present moment. And if you happen to see a cat, thank it for the present it gives in the reminder of the innate wisdom we always have within us, even when we think its beyond our reach." I expected to be never asked to address that audience ever again. What I got was a standing ovation. Present #2: I finally learned the lesson on a profound visceral level what I thought I knew to be true intellectually. There is nothing more life-affirming and compelling than the authentic expression of the human spirit. When you speak your truth it deeply touches the heart and emotional soul of anyone in your presence. Your authentic voice and truth is what you are here on this earth to share. And when you do, you mystify a lot of folks. I invite and enthusiastically encourage you to dare to show up in your life audaciously authentic. Use your own words, not just what you think will be acceptable to others. If people don't like it, that's fine and dandy. They can move out of your way. You are not here to serve the entire planet. You are here to honor yourself first so you can fully serve those who can benefit greatly with what you have to say. And that's how I'll be rollin' in this perpetual moment of now.
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