| By :
Valery Satterwhite
We all want to love and be loved. If we all want this then why is it so hard for so many people to find lasting meaningful love in an intimate relationship? Many of my clients come to me to overcome relationship challenges. Often their initial complaint is either "I don't have what I want" or "I can't get what I want". Interestingly enough, the stories are similar for both men and women. The 'wanting' is centered around a misguided hope that another person can fill the void within. No one else can 'make you happy'. Fulfillment is an inside job. Here's one client's story: Recently divorced after a toxic 30-year marriage he fell head over heels in love. The woman that sent his heart aflutter is a stunning head-turner who initially showered him with gentle little kisses. He melted whenever she took his hand in hers. Then after a few short weeks she backed away, suggesting he go find someone else. Where he saw the threshold of a life-time commitment, she saw casual "getting to know you dating". And she didn't like what she got to know. Heartbroken, my client was in agony. A brilliant, successful executive by day, turned into an emotional mess by night frantically checking his email like a teenager in lust to see if she responded to his yet another email. The response never came. He felt emptier than he had been before he met her. In examining the relationship it was clear that, for him, she was a solitary filling station in a long, dry desert of relationship emptiness. Her fuel was affection and validation. Where she threw up one red flag of 'I'm not who you think I am" after another, he continued to ignore and obsequiously pursue. He was hooked. He needed hit after hit of his affectionate validation drug. Its a familiar story. Lots of people seek to fulfill their emptiness through an attachment to another person. The trouble is, either one partner will deplete and exhaust the other or the full partner will walk away, realizing he or she can never really fill the desperate empty void. No one can. I know this from personal experience. There was a time in my life when I was the clingy desperate lost soul. Insecure, with low self-esteem I attached myself to whoever I thought could give me what I emotionally lacked. Time and time again I set myself up to be hurt. Time and time again I drove interested lovers away because I was too needy. And then I learned how to become my own filling station. I learned how to love, validate, appreciate and acknowledge myself. When I learned how to fill my own inner resources my relationships were more fulfilling. My marriage today is solid and energized because each of us is running on all cylinders on our own. In relationships, two halves don't make a whole. Two halves will ultimately drag each other down. It take two whole persons to sustain and enrich a relationship that flourishes throughout a lifetime. If you're with someone who is needy and drains you of energy please take care of yourself. Make sure you take the time to do the things that feed your soul, make your heart sing. If you recognize yourself as someone who is looking for someone else to "complete you" its time to rethink that strategy for relationship success. There is nothing more attractive and sexy than a person who is comfortable and confident in his or her own skin. You are lovable. You deserve to be loved completely. To find and enjoy such as relationship you have to know how to keep yourself filled with love a good dose of laughter. Shine that light from within and you'll find the loving relationship that will make your heart sing.
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